The Trump administration has scrapped its long-discussed but little-revealed Mideast peace plan and hastily designed a new one it promises will go down in history as “the deal of any century,” The Jewish Week has learned.
According to sources, the president, undaunted by Denmark’s rejection of his plan to buy Greenland, has turned his eye on Israel. And with permission hastily granted by Prime Minister Netanyahu, Trump plans for the U.S. to purchase the Jewish state and settle Jewish Republicans there.
“I can’t talk about it now,” Trump told reporters while preparing to board Air Force One to take him to his newest acquisition, a miniature golf course in New Jersey named in honor of Russia’s leader: Putin’s A-Putts.
“We’ll see what happens,” the chief executive told the press, but added: “It’s gonna be huge, of biblical proportions. Sheldon [Adelson, the Las Vegas-based billionaire] is all in, he’s going to build a fantastic casino in the Old City and call it Holy Rollers, all very tasteful. Fantastic. And Bibi has already been telling me that in Israel they call me the Second Coming.”
The president just wanted to know “who got there first?”
Initial polls in the U.S. found that 87 percent of Americans believed the Trump administration already owned Israel.
Alerted to the abrupt change of peace plans, Jared Kushner flew back from Riyadh where he was attending a bachelor party for his pal, Saudi Prince MBS, who is celebrating his fourth-coming marriage and getting away with murder.
Kushner will be tasked with arranging the details for the purchase of Israel and all its citizens, holy sites, contested borders and falafel stands, which he indicated would be a simple procedure like those he is used to in the real estate business.
He expressed some initial disappointment, though. “Yeah, this comes just when we were getting close to finally rolling out our universally — except for Bibi — condemned Mideast peace deal.”
The Jewish Week has learned that the original plan’s code name is Operation Day After The Messiah, because that’s when it was going to be announced.
“But hey, I get it,” Kushner said, “instead of buying off the Palestinians, we’re buying the Holy Land, cool.”
Here in the U.S., the Coalition of the Lovers of Trump and Zion responded joyously to the plan, saying “the Zionist dream is to bring the Messiah, and we’re so glad he’s finally here.” The Coalition statement quoted the Prophet Zechariah (9:9) “Rejoice, O people of Zion! Shout in triumph, O people of Jerusalem! Look, your king is coming to you. He is righteous and victorious, yet he is humble, riding on an ass.”
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In response, the Coalition of Zion, Yes, Trump No responded by re-interpreting the prophet’s words. “We respectfully suggest that President Trump is far from humble, and he hasn’t been spotted riding an ass…”
White House aides say that on learning that Greenland was 836,300 square miles, three times the size of Texas, and that Israel, by comparison, is approximately 11 square acres and roughly the size of four of the Five Towns, he felt that Israel would be “a helluva bargain.”
And Trump plans to reward Jewish Republicans by allowing them to settle in the wealthy suburbs of northern Tel Aviv and vote in the U.S. as well as Israeli elections. As for Jewish Democrats, they will be restricted to little-inhabited West Bank areas and can only vote in J Street elections.
“And we’re going to build a wall and make the Democrats pay for it,” Trump told foreign policy experts gleefully.
When advised that Israel already has a security barrier in the area, Trump shrugged, and said he would “build it higher, like that Wall in Jerusalem with all the little love notes to me people stick in there.”
Netanyahu, who has been struggling to garner enough Knesset seats in the Sept. 17 election to put together a majority coalition, was surrounded by reporters following his announcement that on Sept. 16, Jerusalem’s Tower of David will be re-named the Tower of Donald.
He declared that a Knesset vote on Trump’s plan to buy the Jewish state would not be necessary. “The I’s have it,” he said, pointing to himself.
The prime minister praised Trump as “the new Herzl,” asserting that his plan is “pure genius — it solves all of our problems at once, except for who’s going to tell the charedi parties that Evangelical Christians will be deciding who’s a Jew.”
But after conferring briefly, charedi leaders issued a statement saying that “as long as we are assured of continued exorbitant funding for our yeshivas, we don’t care if Rev. [John] Hagee makes kiddush every Friday night at the Kotel — without women there, of course.”
Back in Washington, when asked by White House aides about plans for the 2.5 million Palestinians in the contested areas, Trump replied, “What Palestinians?”
(Satire)
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